You got a brand new baby. Congratulations. Your baby is probably the greatest thing ever. It probably even smells like love. Being a parents is amazing. I mean, I don’t really know what it’s like, but I imagine it’s pretty cool to watch a little person come out of another person and then raise it into a full-grown human like yourself and teach it cool ninja moves and stuff.

Now that you have your new baby you’re probably struggling with a name for it. All the cool ones are probably taken, and it doesn’t help that Beyonce and Jay-Z are doing pompous shit like trademarking their baby’s name. But please, PLEASE, don’t even think about naming your baby after an Apple product.

“What? who would name their baby after an Apple product?” I guess a lot of people are doing it. Babycenter announced today that iBaby names are on the rise. Names like Siri, Mac, and Apple all rose in the Top Baby Name Rankings for 2012 which is the saddest thing I’ve read since Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman announced their divorce.

Do you really want your baby to be named after a personal digital assistant that can’t answer half the questions you throw at her? Even though she’s had romantic dates with Samuel L. Jackson and her best friend is Zooey Deschanel, that still doesn’t mean you’re going to want to associate a possible Apple failure with your child in the future.

Trust me on this guys, you don’t want to be the parent that subjects their child to horrendous amounts of torture just because you love the shit out of your Mac.  This kid is going to go to school one day and do you think I made it through elementary school without people teasing me “Buster Heine? Like Bust her hiney.” Get it?!”

Now just imagine all the kids hanging out in the sandbox asking your kid “Is it raining?” twenty thousand times and then throwing sand at them, or spitting on them. Or saying, “Siri find me an escort service pronto!”

People stopped naming their kids “O.J.” for a reason. I don’t really know how the kids are going to tease you iBaby, I just know it will happen and then you’re going to have to explain to them that it’s such an honor for the other kids to make fun of them because they have the coolest name ever. They were named after a computer, or a brand, or a fake person.

All I’m saying is that if you really must bestow your child with a name that reflects your love for technology, at least go all out and name them something cool, like Clippy.

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